The Beer Taster

‘Gold’ – one of the most evocative words in the English language. It’s up there with ‘silk’, ‘paradise’ and ‘virgin’ – suggesting something very special indeed.

Why, then, in the name of all that is coveted, does this atrocity of a drink have the word ‘Gold’ proudly emblazoned across it?

Well, the colour of the drink could be described as golden, but then so could any lager in the world not prefixed by the word ‘dark’. Is Castlemaine XXXX Gold’s hue so unusual as to automatically give the tipple its name? Hardly. But then the manufacturers can hardly be trying to describe its quality – unless they are either practical jokers or outright liars.

There are two situations when even the most discerning beer drinker is likely to care less about the taste of a brew. One is at the end of a hot, muggy day when just about anything cold and wet will suffice. The other is when you’re many beers down the line and your taste buds can no longer be bothered processing anything more than the most basic information.

I’ve only had XXXX Gold twice; once each in the above scenarios. The first time, when the drink was deemed so unpalatable as to be poured on the floor rather than down my throat, despite the heat of a Western Australian summer, told me enough.

The second time, in which my request for “a pint of Old” was unfortunately mistaken for “Gold”, was well past midnight on a World Cup night, and the beers I had consumed were getting close to double figures. I shrugged off the honest Old/Gold mistake, figuring it didn’t matter much what was in my glass at that stage, but even then it tasted truly awful – water and cornflakes were the only “notes” I was getting.

Castlemaine should be investigated by Trades Descriptions for this atrocity. Gold is won by elite athletes and worn by royalty, not poured on scorched earth and shunned by the dangerously inebriated.